...urghhhh...

i am stressed up..so stressed up and messed up..everything's tangled up..

loss of weight..ohhh..damn s***...!
not allowed to take exam..? bar..? ohhhhh....damnnnn s*******...!!!

it's all f***ed up.,i am so stressed up..

what i really want to do now..?


i really wish : 


1. i wish i am falling from the highest altitude of the sky.,let the high velocity wind blow hard on my whole figure..i want to close my eyes as tight as i can while crying inside.,and let the strong wind push up each of my dropping tears against the gravity into the open sky..i want my tears to be a part of the upcoming cascading rain.,i want my tears my sadness be felt on everyone on the earth.,i want to let them share my tears.,i want to let them feel my tears.,want to let them know i am crying.,i don't want to cry alone..it hurts..


2. i wish i am in the middle of a dessert..stuffing smooth sands into my mouth so i will stop crying.,and dry all the liquid in my body so i will not have any more tears to be cried..i want to lie down and look at the shining sun.,let myself to see straight into the blazing sun so i'll know what is happening to my heart.,how it burns and give me this endless pain and to let me be blind so i don't have to see miseries again..,any longer..


3. i wish i am in the train..alone..near the window..just like korean drama..


4. i wish i can 'smack down' those shit shit shit and shit that hurt me...


5. i wish if can., just let me die..i want to die but i don't want to..it's not satisfying..i want THEM to die first..or should i just die..

but i cant..! what i am doing now is just be in front of my laptop, writing imaginary stuff while watching my sister lecture her friends..

next to me are my A3 sketches book for my final project which i need to proceed it tomorrow before 'BALIK PENANG'..next to me also is my phone.,it contains texts which i hate..forcing me to do stuffs..some are lies..some are ignored pending messages..mostly are just shits from shits shits and shits..! and just now..? owh DAMN..!

hurm...

just now when i was curling under the blanket with stomach pain and while listening to my music and message with my hubby.,it just trying to get away from the disturbing stressful thoughts.,my brain did hit on something..

i just realized.,i am a fool if i continue to be like this..

i should change..! i should have changed..!

why have i been so weak..?

or i am not weak.,it is just to hard to fight..so hard..damn hard..shitty hard..

seriously.....!!!

but excuses are not allowed right..?or should it be..? i am so confused..f** see.,i'm stressed again..

the more i think.,the more it twists my balance cord..i lost control each time..but shouldn't we think to solve things..?or we shouldn't..?

pushed aside..! i am lost..! i know i am not the only one in this world who feels pain..but still i am apart of it..i am someone in the everyone..and pain for me is different from pain for them..and i cannot control pain..my anger..ego..

because i am stupid..!

i am stupid because.....

i never learn..i never listen..i never..

with a second chance.,just give me the sword and step away..in the name of faith..


see you again GDT153...


=')